I think I remember, sleeping beside him
Room was pitch dark
I think I remember tears on my face
But not mine, his
I think I remember his moans echoing
His arms around me
You see, I wasn’t really sure, I was tired
My body ached so much it wanted to die
My eyes wanted to stay close for more than a while
So I could forget
So I could stop feeling all this regret
I didn’t want to wake up so I woudn’t have to think of
How, and why, and what.
How, how did we get to here?
How can frustration turn respect into fear?
How is it possible that everytime you touch me now, I feel like screaming?
Why, why did you choose to see me differently?
Why did you hit me?
Why am I still here sleeping beside you, when I should already be leaving?
What, what did I do to you?
What did I turn you into?
What can you possibly do now?
When everything you say, feels demeaning, even the I love you’s
We woke up with bodies intertwined
How much more time do we have for this to go away?
What else do we say?
I’m confused as to why my coffee just tastes bitter
Coz you know I like mine sweet
And then I realized its us that’s not better
And every time our eyes would meet, I just wanted to hurt you
During meal times I wanted it in bed
And although I didn’t want silence, I didn’t want to talk, not to you
You fucking asshole.
Turn on the telly so I won’t hear the voices in my head
Telling me shit about you
Coz they want to kill you
They want to break all the bones in your body
So you won’t hurt another living soul
They want to kill you
They want to see you fall and bleed and hurt and scream and
They want to kill you
He asked me if I wanted him to leave
And although I didn’t want to be alone, I couldn’t bring myself to say no
I couldn’t even look at him
I cringe at every touch
I hated his guts
I couldn’t bear hearing his voice
But it felt like I didn’t have a choice but to stay
His apologies didn’t matter
He said he doesn’t want to go
And I wanted to tell him to stay
I wanted to tell him that everything will be ok
But it won’t
And even though I honestly know that I was capable of forgiving him
I will not make him stay
He chose to see me in a different way
He chose to love me a little less
He chose to put his patience to the test
He hurt me
And he stared at me like I deserved it
He was shouting and I’m sure he wanted to curse at me
He wanted me to understand that I deserved it
But he didn’t follow it up with another slap
And although I had blood on my hands
And he had blood all over his face and body
He did not stop me
Coz he knew, he knew one slap was enough
Enough to break a person’s soul
Enough to realize you’re no longer in control of anything that’s gonna happen next
He did not want to hurt me, but he wanted me to feel pain
He wanted me to feel so ashamed
A nice guy turned into a monster
But is it weird that I always knew there was a latter
But not this, not like this
You see, I wanted you to tell me about all the silly books you’ve read
I wanted you to introduce me to the voices in your head
I wanted to show you that every mistake you’ve ever made in your life was forgiven
I wanted to build for you a home, a hiding place, a safe haven in my arms
Under the stars our hands together, they fit
Yeah, all that cheesy bullshit
But I shouldn’t have shown him my demons
And I shouldn’t have told him my secrets
Secrets he will never forget
Secrets I will never get back
I should have held my feelings intact
But now, that this is the end of the line
Thank you for reminding me that I deserve so much better
For showing me that I need to love harder
For being that one and final mistake
So, with this final vow
Fuck you, I can leave now